The Week of Guided Prayer retreat started yesterday at St. James. This is my fifth year and by now, I plan my summer around this week. So when my guide gave me my readings for today, there was some confusion over one of them. Usually there are three to choose from and none of them are exceptionally long. So as she read them off, one verse of a psalm, four verses of Luke and two chapters of Deuteronomy, I knew something wasn’t quite right. But hey, there are two others to choose from so why worry about it right? Wrong! Neither of the other two were the one I needed to read. Don’t ask me to explain that. I know because…well… I just know. Logically, if the psalm was one verse, perhaps Deuteronomy was supposed to be one verse also. I looked it up and nearly dropped the bible.
Deuteronomy 7:9 “Understand, then, that your God is God indeed, the faithful God who keeps his merciful convenant down to the thousandth generation towards those who love him and keep his commandments.”
Now in my bible, UNDERSTAND lines up directly above YOUR GOD IS GOD. Immediately that jumped out at me. And the next thought into my head was my post on The Salvation Cupcake (see April 20, 2009)… how it had been about God saving the world, not about God saving me. I’ve drifted away from that idea of the cupcake, accepting little by little that God came into this world just for me. But today, this was lightning bolt kind of stuff.
If I try to exlain it more, I’ll just muck it up, so straight out of my journal:
Understand: YOUR God IS God – Wow! That won’t leave me alone. I’m sitting here staring at the waves and it keeps repeating over and over and over. This is what John means when he says AA teaches about a God of our own understanding. This is MY God who pulled me out of despair, stood by me in my darkness, surrounded me with friends and insprires my writings. This MY God who feels my pain with me, understands my frustrations, hears my cries and reassures me. he surrounds me with beauty and shows me his face therein. This is NOT about the God who so loved (past tense) the world. This is about MY God who so loves (very present tense) me now – right now. Understand. Wow. God, I’m gonna need so time. My brain hurts.