It has been a long time since I’ve been able to post anything. As many of you know, the issues with my eyes returned almost as soon as I was off the steroids in June. The past four months have been a blur – quite literally. By the end of July, I was back on the steroids and yet there has been only minimal improvement in my vision thus far. The Week of Guided Prayer in July, which is always a high point of my summer, was overshadowed with doctors’ appointments and fear.
As the week ended, Ron told me that my defenses were so high that even if Truth were to stand naked in front of me, I wouldn’t see it. He told me that I was not going to find my own way out of my self-made prison. I needed to invite God into that prison and let Him show me the way out.
One of the maddening things of being on the steroids is that I don’t sleep. So in addition to the steroids that make me hyper (along with anxious, short-tempered and just plain nasty) I have to take Ambien to sleep at night. That means every night I have a blackout that lasts anywhere from 20-45 minutes. I write and draw in my journal with no memory of having done so. Some entries make sense. Some don’t. And then there are the letters…
Starting on July 24th and running right up through last night I’ve written series of seven letters to God. Some are stunningly beautiful and other are rather, shall we say, “colorfully worded”. But they are the most honest things I have ever written. I’ve seen my prayers asked and answered more clearly than ever before in my life. I must say that it is more than a little strange to open my journal and find a part of myself I hadn’t known. My hope is that as I will be able to get to know that part of me – and actually do so intentionally.
As for my health – there is still some mystery surrounding the whole mess. The next steps towards a diagnosis are yet to be determined although some form of autoimmune disease is suspected. For now, the doctors are determined to wean me off the steroids even though my vision has not returned to normal. I’ve been warned that it can take months to know whether or not my vision will ever return to normal. I’ve come to accept that it may not.
I’ve asked the Lord to stay with me in this dark place and I’ve been blessed beyond words.